03/05/11 A Big Step Back


I didn’t go to the last class. I have no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t have passed even if the bikes were running without problems. I didn’t talk myself into that, I just know. And I don’t know if it was the circumstances or not but even when we were riding on Wednesday I never really felt comfortable.

Even so, writing that doesn’t make it any better. I haven’t been handling this very well at all. It’s a huge mixed bag of emotions: disappointment, anger, sadness, jealousy. After a few hours of me time yesterday I went into cleaning mode…doesn’t require much thought, keeps me busy, and it’s something I know I’m good at doing. Second guessing my talents and strengths seems to be the focus and of course nothing particularly special or outstanding comes to mind. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt this way about anything: your own worst enemy. It’s not even a pity party, just a kick to my self esteem.

There’s history to this. I lived with my ex for almost 11 years. There were a few incidents of physical abuse but the emotional abuse happened on a daily basis, and those scars last a long time. I never looked good enough, was dumb, couldn’t clean the house properly, was a terrible cook and a bad mom. In addition to not being ‘allowed’ to have pets he discouraged and made it difficult for me to have hobbies or friends. For what a horrible person I was I never could understand why he married me. Years of living like that shot my self esteem to zero. Even after getting myself out of that situation it was a long, long time before I could easily accept compliments, feel confident about decision making, do nice things for myself.

I always enjoyed the rides but now I feel like I don’t care one way or the other. I haven’t been taking any pictures and that doesn’t bother me like it normally would. Make sure the kids and dogs are taken care of, otherwise I’m just going thru the motions. It’s funny how one day, one situation, one event, can change things so much. That’s just life I suppose…

Again sharing an older favorite that I named ‘Serenity’:

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10 thoughts on “03/05/11 A Big Step Back

  1. You know what Theresa. It is okay. I know you don’t want to feel like this today, that you want to be positive and strong. But it is OKAY! Try to accept that today is a step back, embrace it and then take a little step forward tomorrow. Just a little step.
    Life is not a competition, not with yourself, not with anyone else. It is simply your life. Not anyone else’s.
    We all feel down every now and then. And feel rotten that we feel down. But by getting through this, by trusting in your loved ones and friends, by trusting yourself, things will get better.
    You’ve come such a very long way, that this set back is just what is is: a little step back. So pause, take a deep breath and think about what is really important to you, valuable in life. And tomorrow step forward.
    I just hope that you will feel better. Look at the sun, the trees, the stars and let that peaceful feeling wrap around you.
    Take care,
    ~Mar

  2. Sorry to hear about what you had to go through before, but it sounds like you are in a great situation now. As far as the class…take it again..you will pass it. As much as you ride, you will learn more. I raced motocross when I was growing up & on the 1st motorcycle I ever had…I had a bad wreck…broke my collarbone & seperated my shoulder. While I was in the hospital, my Grandpa came to see me & he told me that as soon as I got that sling off my arm to get back on the bike or I would be scared & never ride again. I got back on it with my arm still in the sling & it was some of the best advice I ever got. You can do it girl…try it again!

  3. Hey Theresa
    Do what you need to do to feel OK about everything. You will know when the time is right.

    I always feel comforted by the saying ‘don’t focus on how far you’ve got to go, look at how far you have come’. Sounds like you have come a long way!

    Hugs

  4. Sorry to hear about your test. Do you think you need more practice riding time to feel more comfortable? Was it the riding test or written test? No matter really which it was just know, if it wasn’t feeling right, it probably wasn’t right. Sit back, relax, think about it and when the time is right, you’ll know it. Hope things get better for ya. Might just be one of those “phases” us women like to go through. Cheer up girlie! 🙂

  5. Not everyone needs to learn how to ride. It’s a scary thing to learn how to do. I think the problems the class itself had made you feel more uncomfortable than you would have otherwise. There is no shame in being on the back seat instead of driving. It’s all I do any more.

    Theresa, you have come such a long way in your life. You are such a strong woman! Not learning to ride doesn’t take away from that at all. You need to look in the mirror and tell yourself how strong you are, how beautiful you are, how much you are loved, what an awesome wife you are, what an awesome mother you are. Please try to tell yourself the positives and forget what you perceive as a negative.

    Don’t make me have to jump on the back seat and ride up there to hug some sense into you! 🙂

  6. After what you’ve endured, it sounds like riding on the back and letting the man who loves you — TRULY — take the helm is just fine. Sit back and enjoy life. Pressure free. Sorry you’re feeling so mixed at this point, but Brenda above is right. Do it later if you want, and if not, who cares? Just be happy with where you are right now. And don’t worry. Things have a way of falling into place. beautiful photo, btw. 🙂

  7. Hi Theresa,

    After your earlier posts, I probably wouldn’t have gone to that last class either. And I would be asking for my money back. It sounds like that class and the instructors really let you down.

    If riding your own bike is what you really want to do, then take another class when you are ready. If it’s not what you want to do then by all means, ride on the back! Riding your own bike is a solitary experience, even when you are riding with a group. Riding as a passenger is something totally different. When you put your arms around your husband, feel his breath, and lean into a turn together… as though you, him, and the bike are all one… there is nothing else like that. That is a very special closeness. Enjoy it!

    ~Jessie

  8. Remember I said we had some strange similarities??
    There was one thing that drove me and drives me today. The greatest revenge is to live well and prove ‘THEM’ wrong, whoever ‘THEM’ are. I cant tell ya what to do but, I can suggest you not beat yourself up. I bet you need a hug.. so Im sending one to you. A REALLY big, warm bear hug. Now… you can always try again. Be well darlin and get to provin!! LOL Think of how hot you will look on a bike..

  9. Pingback: 06/04/11 What Makes You Feel Like You’re Still A Kid? | Back Seat View

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