I didn’t go to the last class. I have no doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t have passed even if the bikes were running without problems. I didn’t talk myself into that, I just know. And I don’t know if it was the circumstances or not but even when we were riding on Wednesday I never really felt comfortable.
Even so, writing that doesn’t make it any better. I haven’t been handling this very well at all. It’s a huge mixed bag of emotions: disappointment, anger, sadness, jealousy. After a few hours of me time yesterday I went into cleaning mode…doesn’t require much thought, keeps me busy, and it’s something I know I’m good at doing. Second guessing my talents and strengths seems to be the focus and of course nothing particularly special or outstanding comes to mind. It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt this way about anything: your own worst enemy. It’s not even a pity party, just a kick to my self esteem.
There’s history to this. I lived with my ex for almost 11 years. There were a few incidents of physical abuse but the emotional abuse happened on a daily basis, and those scars last a long time. I never looked good enough, was dumb, couldn’t clean the house properly, was a terrible cook and a bad mom. In addition to not being ‘allowed’ to have pets he discouraged and made it difficult for me to have hobbies or friends. For what a horrible person I was I never could understand why he married me. Years of living like that shot my self esteem to zero. Even after getting myself out of that situation it was a long, long time before I could easily accept compliments, feel confident about decision making, do nice things for myself.
I always enjoyed the rides but now I feel like I don’t care one way or the other. I haven’t been taking any pictures and that doesn’t bother me like it normally would. Make sure the kids and dogs are taken care of, otherwise I’m just going thru the motions. It’s funny how one day, one situation, one event, can change things so much. That’s just life I suppose…
Again sharing an older favorite that I named ‘Serenity’: